I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
