my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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