I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
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Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
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My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
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