he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I wish there were birth control emojis
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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