i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
