watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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