We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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