Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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