I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
