well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
