remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
