Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
