I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
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