matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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