Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
