What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
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Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
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So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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