My friends, they love my intelligence
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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