I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
