cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
