eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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