just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
