Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
