I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
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