bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
