Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
