I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
