I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
That's intense
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
