update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
