Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Randomize
