I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize