My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
