My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
