I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
