I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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