I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
