PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
