dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
