Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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