Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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