The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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