My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
