awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
