Sry I called you an 8
im having a threesome with these popsicles
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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