And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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