Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
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