I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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