Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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