Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
