Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
