remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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