How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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