The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
