and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
