im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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