Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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