I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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